I screwed up, I’m sorry

The day has been super non-productive. Nothing on the to-do list has been crossed out. Clothes that were supposed to be folded nicely and put back into the wardrobe are still strewn over the bed. No research that is supposed to be done has been done. And no amount revision that was to be done has been done.

But today, I did learn one thing; In life we are constantly telling ourselves to do good. To be good human beings, to treat others the way we would like to be treated, to not harm or hurt unnecessarily.

However, sometimes, the one thing needed to screw everything up is a bad memory. A bad memory leads to wrong decisions and wrong decisions lead to agony, on all sides.

Sometimes being mean is unavoidable, and the fact that it was not intentional does not make the damage any less. People always revert to the saying, “it’s the thought that counts,” but really, in this situation I think thoughts don’t matter at all.

Today, was unproductive in terms of my to-do list. However, it has thought me that when either roads lead to damage, it’s okay to bang your head on the wall over what you have done, and later count on ethics to path your way. It has also taught me to toughen up in order to do what is less wrong.“I am sorry” is not protocol. It is the child of conscience and the heart.

I am starting believe that it is not them, it is me. problems like these are forever creeping up on me because I let them. Attitude needs to change, memory needs to improve.

Off to bed with a lesson learnt, tomorrow will be a better day.

Happy (belated) Birthday KY!

I was going to write about the awesome friends I have here, but lets not declare anything, because heck, I still want to keep these friends and it is taboo to declare anything before anything because fate likes to play “NAH! In your face!” with people and prove otherwise, and cause you to ‘bin chee chee’ and swallow every word you have just spat out.

SO, we shall fast forward to a birthday celebration. Suiee’s sister celebrated her 19th birthday two nights ago. I’ve never seen the birthday girl so feminine – she was sweet as ever in a dress, and her boy reminds me of the guy who acted beside my Jung Ji Hoon in A Love To Kill. =P

I hope she has all the fun being 19 =)

That day I pried myself out of my nest and decided to tag along and park my bottom comfortably into Suiee’s car for the celebrating. Beforehand, Suiee made the cake while i supervised as i witnessed sisterly love happening before my eyes. She beat the eggs, and mixed the chocolate, and arranged marshmallows and cracked brains together with Zihan over where to take the birthday girl. Best of all, she did all the dishes =P

We ended up in Sakae Sushi, and ate Sushi King-like food, which was actually a rather refreshing and eye opening experience, and later Gasoline at the Ampang look out point. It was then then I realised my love for Pasta Zanmai, thanks to Zihan, in terms of Japanese Food, and my frustration and discontentment over Gasoline Cafe (am i able to write about this? is someone going to sue me? aku takut).

Somewhere along the way too, KY’s friends car kind of uhm, broke down? They found the problem to be with the erm…”minyak pelincir”. I just cant seem to generate its English name now. We waited by the roadside for all the required ‘procedures’ in order to get the car runing again. I however feel that it is experiences like these that make events so much more special. Something unexpected, but yet there you are, with your whole bunch of friends by you. Plus now, I can proudly declare that i know what minyak pelincir is used for, and where to actually put it in, and that its original colour is not black despite its name in chinese.

Towards to end of this post, I realise, WHOA, I am actually writing about an outing, instead of quirky things that are coming from the corners of my bored brain =)

 

 

 

The Sixth Sense

Sometimes the sixth sense is a scary thing. It is scariest when it has a tendency to be accurate. I am not too sure which is worse, to be friends with someone who has good sixth sense and risk being all figured out, or to have the spot on sixth sense yourself.


Females tend to be better at things like these, they say. I have been told by a few that mine is pretty sharp.
So what happens when someone you’ve known your whole life to be someone suddenly becomes someone you do not really know and did not expect would exist although your sixth sense warned you of the possibility of it happening, but you chose to shrug of the warning, because you thought your sixth sense was just well, something screwing with you mind.


What happens when you start to find that the things you feel are becoming more and more accurate, but there is a chip somewhere in a block of something and it cannot be put back again. What if the chip HAS already been put back but the sixth sense warning sirens are ringing ever so loudly and flashing red lights, again, and telling you to wake up?


The dilemma of those blessed with this gift, is whether to believe it, because it had been right so many times, or whether to shrug it off again and defend the brain from the insanity threatening to consume it by not thinking so much, yet risk falling flat on the face all over again from naivety.

Yes, I babble

Today is result-release day

So what now? Jump out the window? Go jogging? Swim? Go shoe shopping? Sleep? Take the longest bath ever? Scrub the bathroom sparkly clean? Watch Dexter murder someone?

Results were just released. I dared not during the meeting session for the fear that I would cry there and then. I came home and procrastinated all I could before opening it. I guess deep down I knew it would not be favourable.

Sometimes I wish there was a device that could record feelings, because right now, I want mine to be remembered. Those feelings to disappointment, regret, feeling sorry that I probably didn’t make my parents very proud, or that I could not show that I could really pull through the hell. I want to remember this feelings to that this trimester would be a time to make things right. I want to remember so that I do not slack or take for granted. I want to remember to be motivated. I want to remember so I do not regret =(

Petula Clark sang “so kiss me goodbye, and I’ll try not to cry, all the tears in the world won’t change your mind. There’s someone new, and she’s waiting for you, soon your heart will be leaving me behind. Linger a while, and I’ll go with a smile, like a friend who just happened to call. For the last time, pretend you are mine, my darling, kiss me goodbye”.

Difference here’s that my dean’s list isn’t pretending to be mine anymore. It left, and I need to curl up and wallow in sorrow for a little while. Then I’ll get up being thankful knowing I could have done much worse. But just for now I shall go get depressed.

How to ask a guy out

I noticed that my mind is more prone to thinking ridiculous thoughts when I am hungry. Tonight, I thought of ways timid, nice, homely girls who have hardly any friends *ahem* could ask guys out without being too outright and saving themselves the embarrassment of a rejection. If the nice, homely girl is VERY timid, using the many messaging medias such as SMSing, Facebook (not outright on the walls, please, or MSN (but risk having your messages undelivered and causing heaps of anxiety because MSN is crappy lately) would be more preferable. At least the screens do not know you are blushing!

#1. “I’m home alone and there’s nothing to eat. I’m totally craving for Ma Lak Mien at Life Café now. But I don’t like eating alone (must show sad face to gain sympathy). Sighhhhhhhhh. But then again, screw awkwardness. I think I’ll head there before I starve to death. Eh, how bout u join me? My treat!”

#2. “Hey I painted my toenails this absolutely awesome red shade (because I was hungry and had nothing better to do at home). It’s realllllllllly pretty. Wanna see?”

#3. “Guess what? Today I baked chocolate lava cake (note: there must be research beforehand about what ‘guy’ likes to eat. If ‘guy’ does not like chocolate lava cake, substitute with something else). Mom actually said it was good but two people can only eat that much. Do you like chocolate lava cake? If you do, help me eat some?” (then, proceed to meet ‘guy’ somewhere to deliver)

#4. “Have you watched Donnie Yen’s (I think most guys would like Donnie Yen?) new movie? Trailer looks awesome!!! I wanted to go catch the late night slot but I heard that The Spring (this is a mall where MBO is situated, feel free to substitute with any local mall) is haunted so I daren’t go late nights. I would’ve gone alone if I was less busy during the day”. (show sad face)

#5. “Owh, you work in that area? I heard there’s this place selling really good chicken rice nearby. Do you know how to get there?” ….. “Huh? I’ve no idea where that is, maybe you could show me sometime soon during your lunch breaks?”  

*if ‘guy’ tells you he packs lunch to work every day, say “Awwwww u poor thing, even more the reason you should go eat that awesome chicken rice and when you decide to, please show me the directions there”.

#6. Lastly, the most obvious of all – write this on your blog, and tell him you want to do any of the above, and send him the link. This is why iPhones (or any phones with the ability to go online on the move) are awesome, ‘guy’ can immediately check.

PS: I just realized that more than half of my methods (#6 doesn’t count) involve food. FML

Can do today then don't do tomorrow!

Okay, so I take back what I said. Apparently, the not so conscious part of my brain had not been calculating correcting. The only thing it gave me was false optimism.

Only when I started revisions the night before exam did I start hyperventilating and panicking. I was not able to remember things I studied beforehand and if not for the highlighter marks I left on those notes, I would never remember having read them.

I was so scared, that even the mere 30 minutes I had to sleep, I lied in bed hearing my own heart thumping away, conscious.

Therefore I change my mind. When I may have said that procrastination may be somehow good, I now think that it isn’t a good idea at all. All that anxiety, stress, frustration, immense fear, ‘lostness’, guilt and regret was horrible.

However, however… Today is a new day. Exams are over. Holidays are kicking in. And I am a free spirit. Well, a free spirit with heaps to do once she gets home. =P

Taxation and my procrastination theory

I am now approaching the end of my final exams, with one more paper to go tomorrow.

Taxation. The moment that word pops out, I think many students would shudder, and later have a string of adjectives such as “scary, confusing, tiring, crazy, OMG, fuck fuck fuck, difficult, impossible, BACA BACA BACA and etc.” flowing through their stressed out, saturated brains.

The same happens to me, but this morning at 6.20am and not getting any sleep yet, I am not here to talk about how bad taxation is treating me (since I only have to study it now and not feed it money yet). I’ll always remember what my finance lecturer said, which went something like “…when you have a pie, someone will want to come in and take a slice of that pie without giving anything in return. That someone is the government”. =D

Owh yea, I was saying I wasn’t here to talk about how bad taxation is.

I am here because throughout the exam, I have been thinking a lot about procrastination itself. Why do we procrastinate? Why are we only able to stop getting glued to the ever so charming Jung Ji Hoon in A Love to Kill only when exam a stone throw away (that hasn’t happened to me yet, but I am assuming it will sometime later today because tax paper is on 1^st Oct morning) and why do we write pointless posts on our blogs, when we know that when the time comes, we’re going to want to feel like crying and kicking ourselves and telling ourselves that we deserve to walk into that battle field and shrivel up and die.

Then we’ll go listen to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Fighter’ and continue cramming till 6am to sit for exam at 9am (and wanting to cry and telling ourselves that we won’t be this way the next exam – I know I’m not the only one doing that). And then, repeat the whole process the next semester, and the next semester, and the next semester.

I think there’s a reason behind all this. I think there’s a subconscious mind working there, and trying to make sure that we do not go insane from all that stress. Therefore, it MAKES us procrastinate (yeah Lynda, blame the subconscious mind).

The subconscious mind is able to urhm, ‘predict’ the amount of time we need to study and the things that are actually relevant. SO, by limiting our time through making us procrastinate, we don’t have to absorb as much information, just sufficient information for us to sit for the exams.

All this in the name of helping us keep our sanity, because our subconscious mind is aware of the amount of strain that its friend, the conscious mind, that we use in this memorizing-competition is able to take. Procrastination after all, is a form of relaxation. That is, if you do not take into account of being stressed at the same time you enjoy procrastinating.

PS: actually I’ve ditched Biology after Form 6, so my definition of ‘subconscious mind’ is er.... the part of you that automatically helps you get up only after 9 hours of sleep even though you set your alarm to ring after 6 and a half hours. Or the part of the mind that tells you to wake up when you keep dreaming about going to sit for an exam today, which you thought was tomorrow. Or the part of the brain that tells you that you forgot to take something but never tells you what.  I’m sorry if I’m wrong.
SO… I wonder if I have made any procrastinators out there feel better? =P.