Happy thoughts

Hey you,

I was thinking about letting you die a slow death but somehow one day, I stumbled upon you on a sleepy, moody work day (please, no judging). Seeing happy posts and happy pictures happened to put a smile on me and perked me up and somehow fuelled me for the day. I then realized the significance of penning down my happy moments rather than wail about the sad. And here is one. Well kind of.

Anyway, I have no idea why but this morning had been an uber happy one. Maybe the songs on my shuffle list hit all the right, happy spots in me and I couldn’t help but smile, alone, to myself. From the outside it didn’t look quite right I suppose, but from the inside, I was overflowing with happiness and I didn’t know why.

Well then came the awkward part. I somehow stared emptily and smiled at my colleague of one week. (Yes I found work!) The colleague asked why, but I really didn’t know how to respond except for shaking my head and go on grinning.

It felt really awkward afterwards. The new colleague who had no idea what was going on in my head must have felt…uh…weird. I felt quite bad, bad enough to write a note on my phone to pass to my colleague that went something like

“dear colleague, I hope I didn’t freak you out. I was smiling emptily at you a while ago. It’s because I am in an exceptionally good mood this morning and I cannot stop smiling. PS: I really am not a nut case”

I’m not sure if it helped with the situation, although said colleague politely smiled and returned my phone and asked why the good mood since it wasn’t a Friday. Oops. Remain silent and be thought a fool, speak up and remove all doubt, much?

On another note, I seem to be lingering around the crossroads in life, trying to get me a job, income, career and realizing how poor I am after the few months of slacking and vowing to enjoy life while I still could since I finished my degree. A lot has happened since – had awesome vacations, played a lot in the kitchen, had my wedding photo shoot after a hassle of worrying about weight, picking out dresses, and religiously applying skin care and masks at night,  attempted to work at Starbucks but a real job came around and I had to give in to being rational and etc. The sad thing however is that I AM still lost. But I’ve constantly gone to bed reminding myself of the old saying I used to stick by; ‘when you decide to do something, do it well’.

 

…Inserts happy photos

These are called ‘Checking final trimester results and proceeding to jump around Perth’s street, outside a Japanese restaurant where we had dinner because nobody knew us anyway and we were fucking happy’.

 

And this one is called ‘I love Perth because the skies are bluer the trees are smoother the ducks are smarter (very impressed that they poop on the rocks) the waves are bigger (no picture because I was always too busy playing in them) and heck, even the scones that Perth’s Jess makes rise heaps higher’.

 

This is called ‘Lynda wants to work as a park ranger in Aus’.

 

And THIS is called ‘The reason I cannot fit into wedding dresses’.

=)

So this is 2012

I decided to stalk a friend’s blog today. Not a frequent writer, but the things he says are things I totally relate to.

Among them was living life to the fullest, as if there would be no tomorrow. Well not to the extent of there not being a tomorrow, but the the extent of knowing that something would soon be ending.

Ever since my 6-months of slave-driver internship period in Kuching, working like an actual working person yet not really there, because you are the intern that is free for use and knows some yet doesn’t quite know enough, waking up at 7am and passing out by 12.30am, or at least try to pass out, I’ve realised that I have been taking a lot of things for granted. For instance, you would not be able to skip work as much as you skip class. You would not be able to go for a RM9 movie on a Wednesday afternoon. You would not be able to go off to karaoke on a weekday where all the promotions are. You would have to go squeeze with the crowd in shopping malls on weekends because you can’t go there during working hours. You no longer get to sleep at 6am and wake up at 3pm. You don’t get to evaluate people, ie: the lecturers. Your superior evaluates you, and if you get an asshole for one, well best of luck!

I came back to uni for my (hopefully) final sem determined to live the life I have been missing out on because I was then too occupied with my academic performance, because I felt bad about troubling my friends who’d have to fetch me, because I was an introvert and because the BF was then, very domineering and insecure and fought with me everytime i tried to join my friends for outings because I was hot and a dream of a girlfriend and he was afraid some other men was going to come sweep me off my feet.

Now with three weeks left to go (and heaps of undone assignments) before the study break and Chinese New Year and final exam comes, I feel so much like I am running out of time. To do my assignments, to study for finals and to continue living my life before I walk into a very vague future career. But I certainly am glad that I have the chance to create beautiful memories with people who matter while I still can.

I remember sitting in the debating society of uni during my first year, and a friend, the same guy who’s writing about living like there’d be no tomorrow, asking me if I was sure I really wanted to do Accounting. 3.5 years later, my answer remains the same. It is not something I am crazy about, but rather, it is something I feel is right. Something that provides me with a stepping stone, a head start, an open door.

I stay to my saying, that when I decide to do something, I should do it well. I suppose that’s the same that goes to being an auditor. It is the best route, the right route, although I have no intentions of being slave to an audit firm, losing both hair and sleep. When the time comes, I will break free from all that is right, and move away from the norms and finally be whatever I was supposed to be when I thought audit isn’t for me.

Chef? Writer? Lol. We’ll see.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May we all continue to grow, learn, cherish and love. =)

This is emo

What do you do when the only thing that tells you to go on is your heart, when almost everybody else is telling you otherwise, at times, including your brain? I believe things happen repeatedly to a person for a reason – herself. But how do I figure out why I am constantly stuck in the in-betweens.

How young is young, how old is old. How successful is successful? How much is enough? How much before a person is good, reliable, right? How far can it stretch before it all should go down the drain? How obvious must it be for it to be true, for you to start being scared? How on earth do you choose?

Why so many what-ifs? Why so many meddling hands? Why is there no other choice? Why did they choose so easily? Why choose to be so inflexible and push so hard to get something that is obviously selfish and wrong from the start? Why all the pressure on me you are the ones making all the choices?

And it doesn’t help, that you have the worst lecturer you have ever met on the trimester where you decide to really live your uni life, ie: play, and her midterms come two days after the 10km run you are afraid you wouldn’t be able to finish.

Rewind

When your report is never-ending and your evaluation is a tad disappointing. When you realise you have been cooped up at home for two weeks without really achieving anything. When Friday and Monday make no difference anymore. When your dog is sick and you ache to see her ache. When you feel so empty yet forget to eat. When your brain is confused and your heart is stubborn.

Nah, you don’t sit around and drown in emo-ness for too long. Open up folders of old photos, or if you haven’t any, go stalk people with old photos on Facebook, and if you’re lucky you might just find something to make you smile.

I found these; The day Zh’s family visited KL, when my hair was still black and when my fringe was still short. Lol

This was in Mid Valley. The day both of us were supposed to tag along for Klang Bak Kut Teh, then go home to study for finals afterwards. But we ended up following the family shopping because we felt bad that they had to drive us all the way back to Cyberjaya.

And here’s another photo with Mister Lee. Genuine smiles like that come around friends like these.Good smiles come around when you’re actually happy inside.

We got hungry, so we ended up here. I was excited.

Pasta Zanmai my love, DID YOU HEAR MY PLEA? I’m graduating soon, come to Kuching with me, please? PLEASE????

The tamciak smile.

And this is Mister Lee’s dad. He is the coolest grandpa I have ever seen.

The food came. I definitely did not order this. Me no likey Unagi. I think this was Zh’s.

Here’s another bowl of awesomeness held by an awesome.

And this, ladies and gents, is my favourite ! I feel happy looking at this thing thinking about how happy I was.

Told you I was happy!

Maybe Suiee was considering licking it so I wouldn’t steal any from her.

We left Mid Valley and headed to Putrajaya. BTW this is the youngest daddy I’ve ever known and the coolest grandma I’ve ever seen.

One the right in white is the youngest mommy. She’s super sweet I tell you. And I feel very little in comparison. I guess it’s the mommy vibe, seeing her caring for her kid. I don’t even know how to carry a baby.

This is the most lovable kid I have ever met. He smiles ALL.DAY.LONG. Throughout the day the only time I remember him crying was when he wanted milk. He could be so tired, so sleepy, but the minute you call his name, he’ll smile, just to layan you. I don’t normally like kids. I tell people all the time, I would rather deal with dogs. But this kid, I LIKE !

See, it’s mutual. He likes me too! =D

…

…

Our last stop was the bridge. We stopped and took silly photos like these:

Owh this one isn’t stupid. This is Mister Lee’s baby sister, super manja, in a good way.

 

Now, for the photos…

It was a long day. I think we got back past 1am. Just shopping, eating and sight-seeing. It definitely is a memory I would cherish, especially at times like these. Tamciak-ness can lead to good things after all. It was supposed to be a morning of Bak Kut Teh, but it ended up as a whole day’s fun.

Goodnight =)