Cycles of no cure

Lately, my thoughts have been scattered and the ideas come in little bits and pieces, like the little islands of the Philippines, rather than er…. Borneo? There’s all this philosophy about growing up and people and life racing across the mind, and this explains why I am unable to come up with a composed and tidy post to put up.

It makes me wonder if I would judge my thoughts the way I judge the writings in my diary I wrote back at 14 years old when I read them now. I felt so mature then, and that I understood life. However I now feel that I was just naïve, and perhaps, this is what growing up is all about. I wonder if eight years from now, I’d be feeling the same thing about me now. But I guess the fear of appearing silly shouldn’t stop us from doing things huh?

People age I guess, and with experience they grow. It isn’t easy to stick to your opinions anymore. You would think that perhaps, there was a reason behind every action. The line between right and wrong, black and white becomes even more undefined. Everything happens in cycles, and in the end, no one party is to be blamed, but we come up with a more general answer for it (because we’re rational and also because we are afraid) and say the clichéd “it is everybody’s responsibility”.

For example: as I dropped a RM1 note into the SSPCA donation box today, I thought  to myself, that being led by a new woman, perhaps SSPCA will now be more successful in terms of getting volunteers and sponsorship and publicity. I think SSPCA have come a long way from before, as I see that they now have a Facebook page to keep people updated, donation boxes in major shopping areas and adoption campaigns everywhere. I eventually decided that perhaps this new leader was better than the old, no? but after walking for a while, it hit me that perhaps the old leader was just tired or working and working and not getting much of the public to get involved, and therefore she got tired and gave up. The public, on the other hand, judge her, in a sense that there was news circulating around about her ‘swindling’ the shelter’s money and all. The public therefore got wary and became more distant. This woman then, instead of working harder to change perceptions, moved further away. In the end, nothing got fixed and matters became worse. This is what I mean by cycles. No one party is to be blamed. But one negative action from one side leads to another negative action from the other side.

Another example – a married couple. Husband and wife recently got married. Wife suffers ‘culture shock’ from moving in with the in-laws. Squabbling happens. Husband is stuck in between. Wife expects husband to help but husband does not help. Wife gets angry and becomes resentful. Husband gets angry at wife for acting that way. Wife gets angrier and becomes very self-centered because she believes it is ‘every man for himself’ and therefore keeps all her money and uses husband’s money as much as she can. Husband realizes and holds money ketat ketat. Wife and husband squabble over money because wife feels husband is not carrying out his responsibility to provide for the family. Now in this situation, could you decide who was wrong?

I don’t know, maybe I truly am focusing on the wrong things here, by finding the person at fault. And while there may be no one person that is to be held responsible, there will always, always be someone that falls victim to these situations. In the first case, the animals that stay in the shelter, and in the second case, the children to the crumbling marriage. Theoretically, the solution would always be to talk it out, compromise, communicate. But at times, when situations of these ‘cycle’' have already gotten this bad, I don’t quite see space for any talking and sharing to happen, hence the cycle continues.

And here’s another random thought: ignorance is bliss, which is why we would rather ignorye everything. And when we’re unable to ignore it, we live in denial, because denial enables us to continue living in that fairytale we spin up. But what happens when the truth explodes right in front of your face? Well, different people handle things differently. Some cry, some go insane, some go for retail therapy, some explode themselves. As for me, I think Life Café’s spicy noodles and milk green tea and a long bath worked wonders today. =)

Thoughts from Pre Audit

 

No, no, this time i’m not procrastinating. in fact, i do realize the urgency of getting my last minute audit revision done before i sit for exam at 9am later. i’ve been itching to write, with a gazillion things going through my head.i shall make this a quickie.

first, i’ve been so overwhelmed by exams, that i did not realize that i’m like 11 FREAKIN DAYS to home, to Bullet, to Hero and the should-have-been-there Rifle that i was looking forward to. about that next time, and perhaps a theory about how money makes the world go round, and building the perception of people towards pets, specifically, canines, maybe?

secondly, i think exams, studying, aren’t really everything. i mean, if i really failed at studying, say i couldn’t graduate, i could always go home and learn to cook chicken rice huh? what really is the point when you’re supposed to memorize everything, when in the actual fact, you’d actually have books to refer to when you come out to work? and, besides, from what i hear people that come from the outside of my tempurug katak say, working is a completely different thing. really, students should just pay tuition fees in order to come out and experience life and grow up and have fun before they proceed to live a dog’s life in the working world. i mean, studying, it’s not entirely fun fun fun-you do learn things. i learnt not to leave my cups soaking in the sink since i came over the south china sea. and i now understand how it has annoyed the heck outta my mother.

and thirdly, suiee told me that sleeping with my phone beside me is bad. radiation, something like that. kills brain cells? cancerous? something like that i assume. so here’s a sadistic thought. if i put my lappie on top of a food container i recently saw ants crawling on, would i get to kill those annoying creatures? or maybe cause them to crawl around with a bulbous cancerous head? sorry, so much for the love of animals.but then again, they’re insects. =P

okay, quickie done and spirits lifted, now back to auditing.

Motivation

“….Think of it as your only chance, take it, use it and achieve your goal. When you’ve done that, you can do whatever you want. And when you don’t like what you’re doing, you can always do other things….”

Drama queens

Yes I notice you, yes I do.

When you giggle like a bimbo,

And attempt to speak English like a pro.

Yes I hear you, yes I do.

When you blast the latest tunes,

And croak to them s’if choking in fumes.

Yes I see you, yes I do.

When you use without asking,

And leave it after dirtying.

And yes I feel you, yes I do.

When u’ve this urge to climb that social ladder,

And your need to look hotter.

But no, I don’t get you, I really don’t.

Where’s the filming, when’s it airing?

I’m getting a different message.

For what’s there left for watching,

When I’ve a ticket to backstage.

All day long you practice your script,

To stir up envy, for the world to seek.

I wish I too, could be audience,

But it’s too bad, u’ve given me a sneak peek.

But we owe you, I guess we do.

Thank you for boosting her confidence,

Thank you for inspiring me.

I guess it’s a test of patience,

And a mirror to what we should not be.

The life cycle of ambitions

When we were young, we had ambitions all noble and great and action packed. I remember writing "cita-cita saya adalah untuk menjadi seorang doktor" during BM class in my karangan book. I remember writing the same essay, with different jobs, and they involved being a nurse, a police (I didn’t know about corruption back then, so yeah, they were noble), a firewoman (such thing?), a teacher… I enjoyed drawing these people in my exercise book, next to my karangan.

Then i grew a bit older. I started liking to draw - women, dresses, pretty hair, and pretty faces. We started having bigger dreams that were glamorous, and preferably ambitions that would earn us money enough to buy a big house and hire 20 maids for our mother. Fashion designer topped my list. I think actress and architect was somewhere there.

Then, secondary school came. The big dreams still hung around, but things started getting more practical. For instance, the fact that u are not going to be an actress and get to act with Leonardo DiCaprio is starting to sink in. I started participating in debates and considered being a lawyer. The fashion design thing hung around for a few more years. But in the later years of secondary, somehow it seems like childhood is ripped outta us together with all those big glamorous dreams of how we’d want to live our life. We struck out ‘glamorous’ from the ambitions and focused on dollar signs instead. Survival in the real world started to sink in. we looked for professions that would earn us higher income – maybe we didn’t want 20 maids anymore, but a nice house and car and wardrobe full of clothes topped the list. We wanted professions that would get us out of this country where we ‘immigrated’ to.

I could barely make up my mind. I considered being a dentist. I thought about law. I thought about dietetics. Architecture. I remember how much I wanted to become a vet because I was passionate about animals and I hated being helpless when they needed help. I flooded myself with options. That was, until I came face to face with the terrors of STPM.

I wasn't one of those people who know they were born to become something, but only now has it occurred to me that I am doing accountancy, something that has never occurred in my list of ‘cita-citas’.

 It proves just how much reality is a bitch. You can’t go for your big dreams when you were little because they just aren’t practical. Then, when you have decided on something, there’s a gazillion things standing in the way, money, being the biggest of the gazillion.

But it’s okay. While I used to fret over what to do after the horrendous Form 6 experience over the little options I was left with because I was a lazy bum who sat on my ass all day not studying hard, I guess i am now able to see that there’s no one way in getting somewhere. Provided the world doesn’t end soon, I guess I can still do things I like to do because there’s no way I will allow myself to slough in an audit firm working late nights and growing white hair.  But for now, I should keep in mind that when I’ve decided to do something, it’s only appropriate I do it well.

This is emotionless, blur writing from 4.50am when I decided I need a break from tax assignments. Penned down because I started wondering how I ended up here, doing this – searching up case law after case law, taking up accounting. But I can’t really imagine doing anything else. =)

The power of desperation

Came across this sometime ago when I was back home. Either it’s awesome innovation, or I am a sakai for never seeing another one before.

The picture speaks for itself.

Life is beautiful when you eat the right things

The past two weeks were insane and right after I was done with the last of the insane week – the horrific Financial Statement Analysis, which was subsequent to the even more horrific tax paper; I had this long list of stuff I planned on doing. A lot of it involved food, sorry, can’t be helped.

Suiee fed me well. It was a heavenly breakaway from the fortnight of Gardenia diet.

Now that I get a breather, I actually sat back to ponder and think that life is somehow rather beautiful. And here is my list of life’s little pleasures, in no particular order and according to current memory:

1. Getting to instantly eat something when you start craving for it.

2. Egg tarts, either Tong Kee’s of India Street’s

3. ICE CREAM! Doesn’t the cold sensation and the feel of licking it off make you happeeee?

4. Grocery shopping?

5. IKEA. IKEA excites me more than clothes do. Owh, they have great ice cream too.

6. Eating peanut butter off a spoon

7. The smell of vanilla

8. The aroma of apples and cinnamon in the oven

9. Coffee when it’s made perfectly

10. A good solitary swim

11. Hot peppery stew with lots of parsley on a cold, rainy day

12. Good music

13. Tengok drama sambil makan

14. Dark chocolate

15. Crackers dipped in hot coffee

And owh, speaking of little pleasures, I rewarded myself with these over the weekend =)

Parsley, heaps of parsley

Yeah i know St Pat's is long over but i had this can of Guinness in the fridge so i poured it over the beef.

Then... Apples and Cinnamon came out of the oven

And i topped it all up by eating this off the spoon =D 

Ahhh, life is simply beautiful. bahahaha